“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
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“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
why would tinder want me to say this
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My blood type is coffee.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.