Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
kitchen magnet
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*