You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
bias laundering edition
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness