Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Sorry. Not sorry
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.