Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
felt that
never compromise your values