I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
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GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
i want to work in this restaurant
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My safe word is Worcestershire
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.