“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?