My body is a temple
for potatoes.
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Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor