if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
“What movie?” 🤔
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.