I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!