I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air