Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
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[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”