me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve