The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
🤣could you imagine
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”