[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You Might Also Like
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.