According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?