Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Natural selection at its finest
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.