Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming