She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
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Stop being racist to kettles.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers