CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
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I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Finally! 😈
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?