Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.