6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Storm Tropical Storm
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!