I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The Book. The Movie.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I’m already scared
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams