WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.