unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
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some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered