Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅