Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
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I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.