rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
How actors in movies eat their food