3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche