The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Does beer think about me too?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”