If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.