Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You Might Also Like
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
welp
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain