My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
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If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Does your wife know you’re single?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.