I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
tourist season
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]