Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism