therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”