You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
You Might Also Like
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up