If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight