When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Happy Taco Tuesday
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it