A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
☺️
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.