if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
New tinder profile pic
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times