What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
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*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Is anyone gonna tell them?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”