[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
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*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
hi why am I like this
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.