I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
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Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Ion see the issue
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
that lip filler tho
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high