your honor my client chooses dare
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?