Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
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I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
did it work
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Can’t stop laughing
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods