According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
favorite tropes as memes
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta