Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!