GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
finally found a reasonable question
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
My time has come.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
😂😂
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning