so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs